Archive for May 2008
Posted May 19, 2008on:
As a representation of his growing influence in the world of anger management, Carlos Todd has been featured in the Time Inc. magazine “Real Simple.” Visit http://www.realsimple.com/realsimple/gallery/0,21863,1779636,00.html to read the article titled “16 Ways to Manage Your Anger ” or pick up a copy of Real Simple at a news stand near you.
Anger is a natural emotional state and is designed to help us stay
alive. Anger sends signals to all parts of our body to help us fight.
It energizes us and prepares us for action. Often, the perceived need
to protect one-self comes from what amounts to psychological attacks
Use Anger Wisely
When we feel energized by anger, it is smart for us to ask ourselves
how we put his energy to its most productive use. As with the use of
other forms of energy such as electricity, we want to use it
efficiently, not wastefully.
Anger is Secondary
One of the most helpful things to remember about anger is that it is a
secondary emotion. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately
before we feel angry. We always feel something else first, even if we
don’t notice it. We might feel afraid, attacked, offended,
disrespected, forced, trapped, interrogated, or pressured. If any of
these feelings are intense enough, they can lead to anger before we
realize what we really felt!
Identify the Primary Emotion
An important point to remember about secondary feelings such as anger
is that they do not identify the unmet emotional need. When all you
can say is “I feel angry,” neither you nor any one else knows what
would help you feel better. An amazingly simple, but effective,
technique is to always identify the primary emotion.
Situations that Cause Anger Can Be Avoided
Here is an example. Assume someone wants us to do something we prefer
not to do. At first we feel a little pressured but not enough to get
angry. When they keep pushing us, we begin to get irritated. If they
continue, we become “angry”.
Communicate Your Feelings
An effective way to avoid getting angry in many cases is simply to
express your feeling before it has elevated to the point of anger.
This helps keep the brain in balance and out of the more volatile mode
where it has downshifted to a more primitive and physiological
George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
Conflict is usually viewed negatively, however conflict is simply an indicator and driving force for change. If handled correctly conflict is the early stage of positive change.
A conflict does not lead to change on its own, but it is the indicator that there is a need and want for change. Conflict resolution is the process of identifying and enacting the change.
But effective resolution is sometimes difficult because conflict, by its very nature attempts to undermine any change. It is by only going through the process of conflict resolution that we can identify where change is needed or even if it is necessary.
Some of the barriers to effective conflict resolution are:
- poor communication
- poor planning
- incorrect assumptions
- pre-determined outcomes
Poor communication not only leads to conflict, but it is the most significant barrier to resolving conflict. Communication is a two-part process, which involves “active” listening and “active” speaking. Both these fundamentals come under pressure during conflict and can break down. How many times do arguments end in silence? How many times do the listeners “switching off” while addressing conflict?
Conflict resolution takes time and is generally highly emotional. By planning beforehand both parties are in a much better position to discuss issues rather than be caught up in the emotion of the moment. No company would instigate a change in its business model without first researching and preparing a business strategy. Why should your personal life be any different?
Quite often a conflict will cause people to question the motives of others involved. This can lead to assumptions that are not always accurate. Usually these assumptions are negative so they are either not discussed or not disclosed fully. Once an assumption has been established it is difficult to break because an individual will interpret behaviour in a way as to support their assumptions.
People see conflict as a barrier to change rather than a tool of change because they believe they know what changes are needed. Rather than see conflict as an opportunity to see others’ point of view or idea, people see it as a barrier to getting what they want.
These are just some of the major problems arising from conflict. Each conflict is unique and is determined by the situation, the personalities involved and the level of perceived risk/reward.
The longer a conflict goes on the greater the risk/reward. Conflict usually persists when there is either no change or change in the wrong direction, the longer the conflict runs the greater the need for change. Long-running conflicts are also more difficult to overcome, as barriers tend to snowball.
Barriers will always be a part of conflict. People must identify barriers and work to reduce their impact, thereby realizing positive change.
Carlos Todd, LPC, NCC, CAMF
Anger Management/Conflict Coaching of Charlotte, North Carolina
The east coast premier provider of anger management services