ANGER ON MY MIND

Archive for January 2009

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nc-map-with-color-with-sections1For anger management classes in North Carolina Click Here. Please call 704-804-0841 if there are any questions

CB043899For anger management classes online Click Here. For answers to your questions please call 704-804-0841.

thinking businessmanDo you have good decision making skills? This is more than just about going into a restaurant and knowing what to order. It has to do with decisions that you make that affect your every day life. If you are constantly making poor decisions, perhaps it is time to evaluate your decision making skills. Some tips on how you can do this are as follows:

One of the reasons that you may make poor decisions is because you feel stressed to decide something right away. In most cases, this stress is self inflicted. Do not feel stressed out. Instead, make it a habit to take your time and not make any rash decisions.Give yourself at least 24 hours before you make a decision about anything. If you are finding that you are taking too long to make decisions, you can be over thinking. In that case, follow a technique where you put a time limit on how long you have to make a decision and stick to it. This way, you can force yourself into making a decision. It is not good to be too hasty or too undecided when it comes to making decisions. Both of these attributes can lead to consistently making the wrong decisions.

What are the options that you have with regard to the decision that you are being required to make? You should weigh each option carefully so that you can make the right decision. One technique to do this is to write down each of the options that you have with regard to the decision that you have to make and go over the pros and cons of each one. By doing this, especially by putting it in writing, you will then have a better understanding of the consequences that each decision can cause.

Not everything is black and white when it comes to decision making. Sometimes, the best decisions are those that are thought about after all conventional decisions have been exhausted. If you have to make a decision, you should consider all of the options and also those that are a little bit less conventional. Do not feel bound by convention if there is a better decision that will solve the problem out there.
There is nothing wrong with asking other people, whose opinions you value, what they think about the decision. One technique when it comes to making good decisions that you can use is to imagine the decision that someone you admire would make if he or she was in your shoes. This sometimes works when it comes to making the right decision. We often trust others before we trust ourselves. If you ask for help, ask from someone whose opinion you value. Then take note of their  decision and why they made such a decision. By viewing their decision making process,
you can learn to develop your own trusted decision making process as well.

While you should not compromise on your core values, you should be willing to make small compromises when it comes to decision making. One technique that you can use to try to come to better decisions involves picturing the perfect outcome in your head. When you picture this perfect outcome, what results do you see? What type of decision will achieve these results? You may find that you have to compromise with your decisions in order to get the results that you desire, but it will all be worth it in the end.

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I thought it fitting to share the inauguration speech of our new president. This speech has relevance for all those who must deal with anger and conflict because it reminds us that the things that bring us together are more than the things that divide us. It appears that President Obama understands that concept very well.

Conflict represents dissenting voices seeking to create a new reality. Too often instead of seeking creative ways to combine differing views, humans choose to forgo the process of working through differences for varying forms of destructive behavior. However, ever so often there are figures in history that are such good listeners that they hear beyond the conflict to a place where the inner longing for human self determination rings louder. These figures understand that humans don’t really want to be in conflict, instead they seek the right to shape their own destiny. Barack Obama is one such figure.

This is as true for one human, as it is for every nation on this earth. If only more of us would be able to hear beyond the conflict and anger to see that what others are asking for is the right to be self determined, maybe conflict and anger would take its rightful place as a positive tool in the evolutionary struggle for human attainment.

While I am clear that President Obama is fallible, he is a shining example of breaking down the things that divide us to seek a more perfect world.  So far he is a true example of good anger and conflict management. We at Conflict Coaching and Consulting, PLLC wish him and his family well over the next four years and beyond. That being said here is the speech:

Text of President Barack Obama’s inaugural address on Tuesday, as prepared for delivery and released by the Presidential Inaugural Committee.

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

‘Challenges we face are real’

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

‘There is work to be done’

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

‘We are ready to lead once more’

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

‘To Muslims… we seek a new way forward’

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

‘Let us endure what storms may come’

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it).”

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

If you are looking for an affordable anger management class click here or call 704-804-0841 with your questions.

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j0439568Like many people with co-dependent issues, Mary had no idea about her own emotional needs. She never bothered focusing on them because she was so busy focusing on what the needs was of other people around her. She focused on the needs of her husbands and her children and gave little thought to her own needs.


Being self-sacrificing sounds so noble, doesn’t it? After all, aren’t we all taught, time and time again, to do for others instead of ourselves? Isn’t the very essence of parenthood all about self sacrifice? Have you ever noticed that people who are self sacrificing and seemingly selfless often end up getting the short end of the stick just about every time they go out to play? While those who come across as selfish seem to end up on top? Why is that?


The reason why some people do not end up getting their emotional needs met is because they are taught that it is selfish for them to think about themselves and that they should put others first. While it is desirable to put your children before yourself, constantly putting other people’s needs before your own is pretty much saying to the world that your own needs do not matter.

They have no merit and neither do you. Often, those who experience this type of lifestyle in which they are never getting their emotional needs met, like Mary, have no idea what their emotional needs really are. They are not clear on them with others because they are unclear about the needs themselves. In order to thrive as an adult and be able to resolve conflicts, you have to be sure that you are aware of your emotional needs and make sure that you get them met. Mary often talked about Ken as if his needs were the only ones that mattered. She saw little reason to focus on her needs in the relationship. As a result, Ken also saw no reasons tofocus on Mary’s needs. He took her support for granted and she saw him as self absorbed. Inreality, he just didn’t value Mary’s needs because she didn’t value them herself.

People will often treat us as we demand to be treated. If we have no value on ourselves, others will also treat us as if we have no value. Then we tend to get frustrated and wonder why, like the late comedian, Rodney Danger field, we “get no respect.” It’s because we don’t ask for it. We allow others to treat us the way that they see fit without any regard for our own needs.

Getting our own emotional needs met is important whether you are in business or in a personal relationship. You are going to have to get your own emotional needs met if you are to thrive as a human being. If you go through life not attending to your own needs and not getting them met, you will wind up feeling frustrated in just about every aspect of your life.The first thing you need to do in order to get your emotional needs met is to figure out exactly what your emotional needs are. Some people really have a very difficult time with this exercise,mainly because they have never been taught to consider their own emotional needs.

Think about what would make you happy in a relationship. This can be any type of relationship- be it business or personal. Envision the perfect relationship in your mind. How would the other person treat you? Would they be with you all of the time or would they allow you your own space. Take this exercise so far as to write down the details of the perfect relationship.


After you have described the perfect relationship to yourself on paper, you need to break down the details of the relationship with regard to your own needs. For example, if you put down that the person of your dreams would allow you to have your own personal space and not be around you 24/7; this means that your emotional needs are that you be allowed personal space. Someone who wants to be with you all of the time would be smothering. You are better off with someone who has other interests and will not be so needy.

If you find that you need constant reassurance from the other party about the relationship, you are going to have to find someone who is willing to do this. While this may be seen as “needy” by some people, some people may be more than willing to provide this type of maintenance so that you feel secure in the relationship.


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