Posts Tagged ‘communication

The next time you are in a conversation with someone; do not try to take the reigns. Be very mindful of this throughout the conversation and allow the other person to direct the way that the conversation goes. After the conversation is over and you find that the world is still spinning on its axis, you will realize that you do not need to have control over every conversation and situation.

When you look for control in all communication, you are essentially telling the other person that you have no respect for their feelings or opinions and those things will be best if you just remain in charge. This negative communication affects everyone in a poor manner. If you continue to converse in this manner, you will find that people will not want to converse with you unless they have to. Your company may be sought out at work – if you are the boss, but for the most part, you will not be a very effective leader. You will probably also suffer from problems with all relationships.


If you look at conflict in a positive way, you will see that it gives you the opportunity to communicate with another individual and resolve a conflict to a satisfying conclusion. Conflict, in a way, teaches you something about yourself and your communication skills. When you resolve a conflict, you end up boosting your self esteem.

“I am so stupid – no wonder I never can get ahead at work.” How many times have you said this to yourself? How many times have you put yourself down in front of others at home or at work? The old cliché that ‘if you don’t love yourself, no one else will’ must be brought up at this point. No truer words were ever spoken. You have to have regard for yourself and if you tell yourself each day that you are stupid, ugly, hopeless or lazy (or anything negative) then you will start to see yourself as that way and so will others. These are examples of negative self talk and it can be very self destructive to anyone. Whether you say it aloud or to yourself, it is still self destructive.

If you keep telling yourself something negative over and over again, you will begin to believe it, no matter how true or untrue it may be. So will others around you. So why would you do this to yourself? Aren’t you better off to be more positive, even when communicating with only yourself?

Do yourself a favor and give yourself positive affirmations throughout the day instead of


negative talk. This will make you feel better about yourself, more confident and better able to communicate. Instead of believing the negative, start believing the positive.

You have probably heard the term “passive aggressive” and did not know what it meant. You are probably familiar with the terms passive and aggressive. These are three communication styles that should be eliminated if you are to communicate effectively with other individuals.

Aggressive communication can be described as follows:


-Using intimidation or threats

-Underlying violence

-Talking down to people in a disrespectful manner

-Being very controlling

-Saying rude and hurtful things to people under the guise of being “blunt”

-Name calling

-Offensive behavior

Do you exhibit any of these signs of aggressive behavior? If so, you probably have found that it has gotten you into quite a few fights, maybe even some physical altercations. You are a walking time bomb who always seems to be able to go off.

There is nothing wrong with being assertive in making sure that your needs are met. There is something wrong if you are hurting other people in your quest to do this.


People who exhibit aggressive style behavior are usually bullies. They often will resort to talking to people in this manner at stores and places where employees are trained not to talk back. It gives them a false sense of superiority and makes others feel bad. To say that this communication style is ineffective is an understatement. It is toxic. And sooner or later, it will cause negative effects in your life. No matter how much of a bully you are, and how aggressive, there is always someone who is a bit tougher. Continue this type of behavior and be prepared to have very few friends, move around from different jobs all of the time and have problems in your personal life as well as with the criminal justice system. have problems in your personal life as well as with the criminal justice system.


Passive behavior is almost as destructive as aggressive behavior. You never know what a passive person is thinking, but they are usually seething on the inside about something. Because they are so stifled in their emotional range, they will not let anything out for others to see. Somewhere in their lifetime, they were told that it was not okay to display any of their feelings nor have any value to their feelings. They simply allow people to walk all over them. When the passive person has had enough of the conflict, they will just take off.

You have heard about passive people before. Surely you know someone who knows someone who has had a father or mother just take off without explanation. Chances are that the conflict they were experiencing was developing for some time. But because they did not know how to address the conflict, it never came out. Until the day that they decided to take off and leave.

Passive behavior is destructive in that it does not allow someone to communicate their thoughts and feelings in an effective manner. In fact, it does not allow them to communicate their feelings at all. This is almost as alienating as being aggressive. People who are extremely passive usually have a very low self esteem and simply do not feel that their needs are worth fighting for. Until they get to the point where the conflict builds up and they just escape.


In many cases, a person who is very passive may not escape physically from the conflict, but in their own mind. They may appear distant to others. This is because they have found it more comforting to slip into a dream world where the conflict does not exist.

Passive Aggressive

A person who is passive aggressive has deep rooted anger issues but will not address them. Instead, they will act out in other manners that are destructive. They usually have a problem with being told what to do by authority figures and are generally very negative individuals. Being passive-aggressive is considered as having traits that are reflective of having a personality disorder. A person who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder needs a more than conflict coaching, although this is a step in the right direction.

Signs that someone is passive aggressive include:

-Harboring resentment and underlying seething;

-Communicating through indirect means – by using children, messengers or e-mails to

get their message to the individual who is causing the conflict;

-Negative self image and image of others around him or her;

-Angry all of the time but inability to express it appropriately. The person may resort to

hurting animals or other pets;

-Making snide remarks or giving backhanded compliments to people.

Someone who is passive aggressive can use a good dose of therapy to get to the root of his or her negative self image. Their negative self image does not only affect them, but others around them. Normally, someone who is passive aggressive learns this behavior in childhood. Chances are that there is a parent who also suffered with this issue.

If you have one of these communication styles, you will want to do something to overcome it and be able to communicate more effectively.

Are you the type of person who feels as though they have to be in control of every conversation? Do you have a different type of conversation style with your boss than you do with your contemporaries? Perhaps it is time for you to let go of control and start to communicate with other individuals in a respectful manner. If you constantly feel as though you have to be in control of the conversation at all times, how do you think it makes the other person or people with whom you are talking feel? Chances are that it makes them feel pretty insignificant as if their thoughts and feelings do not matter. They mayeven be intimidated by your control tactics into remaining silent. This is not good for anyoneinvolved. How are you supposed to have a relationship with anyone if you have no idea what they are thinking?

We are the premier provider of online anger management classes.

42-15495677Negative communication gets you nowhere. Examples of negative communication are as

  • Shouting
  • Silent treatments
  • Slamming doors or punching walls
  • Nasty e-mails
  • Name calling

These are just a few examples of how communication can be non-productive and negative. None of the above is really effective at anything except for relieving a sore temper.Shouting never solves anything. There is an old saying that during an argument, whoever resorts to shouting first loses. The only reason for shouting is if someone cannot hear you. In most cases, it is used to try to stress how angry another person is. If you catch yourself shouting at another individual, you are losing the argument. You are not being productive you are just creating more animosity.

Want a remedy for shouting? Be aware of the fact that shouting is non productive. If you catch yourself shouting, STOP. Right away! You are not helping your cause; instead you are merely escalating a conflict

More on negative communication in future post…

In the battle to manage anger George Anderson was exact in his assessment that learning communcation skills in key. Over and over again I see my clients struggle to transform their language in a way that averts conflict. A turning point for many is when they begin to realize that words are only an attempt to communicate. No longer are words taken as a signal to fight but instead the listener listens with his heart and hears the full communcation of the other person. This includes body language, facial expressions and tonal inflections. The listener then hears the underline emotions that are driving the words and may be less likely to respond on impulse but thoughtfully.

There is a tendency to take words as the “final word” however so often we miscommunicate as we attempt to express our ideas or concerns. Comprehensive anger management teaches the individual communication and emotional intelligence to improve that individual’s ability to both speak respectfully and listen with his heart. To learn more visit

Carlos Todd, LPC, NCC, CAMF

Anger Management/Executive Coaching of Charlotte, North Carolina

The east coast premier provider of anger management services

April 2019
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