ANGER ON MY MIND

Posts Tagged ‘emotional intelligence

Your beliefs and values are what make you a unique individual. They are based upon past experiences as well as present circumstances. Many of them were learned from parents as well as other respected individuals. While some people may have values and beliefs that are deemed to be “wrong” according to society, unless your values and beliefs cause harm to others, they cannot be considered wrong. There is no such thing as the right way to think. In order for you to be able to resolve your conflicts and grow as an individual, you must be able to understand your beliefs and values. Beliefs and values are those that you hold the most dear to your heart. While some beliefs and values may change from time to time, they remain your own. For example, when you are young, you may feel that your religion is very important to you. You may go to church often and pray daily.As you get older, you may start to hold different beliefs – you may even change your religion. This is not wrong or right, just an example of how your beliefs and values can change with time. Your beliefs are best defined as what you feel is right or wrong when it comes to certain situations. Being opposed to the death penalty would be considered a belief. Again, this type of belief is subject to change. There are plenty of people who may have been against the death penalty when they were young and have grown in favor of this type of punishment as they got older. Beliefs are anything that causes you to make a decision.Values are those attributes that you hold most dear about yourself and others. Some people place high values on their families – nothing will allow them to part from their family members. A person who values their family above everything else will be unlikely to take a promotion that will separate themselves from their family. A person who values career above everything may be more inclined to take such a position. Again, values are personal and none are right or wrong. As you get older, your values may change. A young person, without children or a spouse, may place a higher emphasis on their career than an older person with children.To discover your beliefs and values, take out a piece of paper and write down what you value the most in life. List 10 things that you would not want to do without and put them in order of importance. Then list 10 strong beliefs that you have. After you have made this list, think about what you would be willing to compromise on. Obviously, there will be some things that you will be unwilling to compromise on and others that have more flexibility. When you are embroiled in conflict, you will be aware of these values and beliefs, those which you can find a compromise and those where you will not bend.While we are taught that being flexible is good in life, it is not good to be too flexible.. You are allowed to have core beliefs and values and stick to them. This is what makes you a strong person. At the same time, you should be aware of the fact that not everyone will share your views when it comes to your beliefs and values. You may have a conflict with an individual whose views and beliefs are different than your own. In such cases, it may be difficult to resolve the conflict. 

If you look at conflict in a positive way, you will see that it gives you the opportunity to communicate with another individual and resolve a conflict to a satisfying conclusion. Conflict, in a way, teaches you something about yourself and your communication skills. When you resolve a conflict, you end up boosting your self esteem.

One of the heaviest burdens that you can carry is a grudge. Carrying a grudge is destructive to your health as it causes undue stress. Most people who end up carrying a grudge will find that the anger that they have built up over the years takes a toll on not only their mental health, but their physical health as well.  One of the most emotionally competent things that you can do is to learn to forgive. If you cannot learn to forgive, there is no moving forward in your life. You will continue to live in the past and relive slights that took place years ago.  The past is gone.  There is nothing that you can do to get it back again.  If you hold on to the anger that you felt in the past, it is unhealthy for you. Forgive yourself and others and move on with your life. When you do this, you will achieve emotional competence.

In order to be emotionally competent, you need to be aware of the needs of others as well as yourself. Before you can use techniques to build greater awareness, ask yourself honestly if you are selfish or selfless. Selfish people are those who cannot consider the feelings of someone else. They can only think of their own feelings, like infants. They are usually called out for being selfish and may have trouble with all types of relationships – including personal and business relationships.  If you fall between the two opposites, you most likely have to build awareness about other people as well as yourself.

Emotions are often referred to as action feelings. They are how we react when something happens to disrupt our lives, either in a good way or a bad way. In some cases, people feel emotions even if not in a conflict with another person. Sometimes, just thinking about a conflict is enough to bring on a rush of emotions. Emotions are not always happy. They can run the full gamut from devastated to gleeful. It is important to realize that not everyone reacts in the same way to conflict. While one person may cry when presented with a conflict, another may remain silent. Another may shout. Everyone has a different way of dealing with their emotions. Some will keep everything hidden and
others will, as they say, let it all hang out.

j0439568Like many people with co-dependent issues, Mary had no idea about her own emotional needs. She never bothered focusing on them because she was so busy focusing on what the needs was of other people around her. She focused on the needs of her husbands and her children and gave little thought to her own needs.


Being self-sacrificing sounds so noble, doesn’t it? After all, aren’t we all taught, time and time again, to do for others instead of ourselves? Isn’t the very essence of parenthood all about self sacrifice? Have you ever noticed that people who are self sacrificing and seemingly selfless often end up getting the short end of the stick just about every time they go out to play? While those who come across as selfish seem to end up on top? Why is that?


The reason why some people do not end up getting their emotional needs met is because they are taught that it is selfish for them to think about themselves and that they should put others first. While it is desirable to put your children before yourself, constantly putting other people’s needs before your own is pretty much saying to the world that your own needs do not matter.

They have no merit and neither do you. Often, those who experience this type of lifestyle in which they are never getting their emotional needs met, like Mary, have no idea what their emotional needs really are. They are not clear on them with others because they are unclear about the needs themselves. In order to thrive as an adult and be able to resolve conflicts, you have to be sure that you are aware of your emotional needs and make sure that you get them met. Mary often talked about Ken as if his needs were the only ones that mattered. She saw little reason to focus on her needs in the relationship. As a result, Ken also saw no reasons tofocus on Mary’s needs. He took her support for granted and she saw him as self absorbed. Inreality, he just didn’t value Mary’s needs because she didn’t value them herself.

People will often treat us as we demand to be treated. If we have no value on ourselves, others will also treat us as if we have no value. Then we tend to get frustrated and wonder why, like the late comedian, Rodney Danger field, we “get no respect.” It’s because we don’t ask for it. We allow others to treat us the way that they see fit without any regard for our own needs.

Getting our own emotional needs met is important whether you are in business or in a personal relationship. You are going to have to get your own emotional needs met if you are to thrive as a human being. If you go through life not attending to your own needs and not getting them met, you will wind up feeling frustrated in just about every aspect of your life.The first thing you need to do in order to get your emotional needs met is to figure out exactly what your emotional needs are. Some people really have a very difficult time with this exercise,mainly because they have never been taught to consider their own emotional needs.

Think about what would make you happy in a relationship. This can be any type of relationship- be it business or personal. Envision the perfect relationship in your mind. How would the other person treat you? Would they be with you all of the time or would they allow you your own space. Take this exercise so far as to write down the details of the perfect relationship.


After you have described the perfect relationship to yourself on paper, you need to break down the details of the relationship with regard to your own needs. For example, if you put down that the person of your dreams would allow you to have your own personal space and not be around you 24/7; this means that your emotional needs are that you be allowed personal space. Someone who wants to be with you all of the time would be smothering. You are better off with someone who has other interests and will not be so needy.

If you find that you need constant reassurance from the other party about the relationship, you are going to have to find someone who is willing to do this. While this may be seen as “needy” by some people, some people may be more than willing to provide this type of maintenance so that you feel secure in the relationship.

42-15181059Betty had a 162 IQ and spent a good deal of her time studying. She was bound and determined to get into Harvard and knew she had a good shot. She joined clubs not because she wanted to join or even had an interest, but because she knew it would look good on her Ivy League school application. During her high school career, while other kids were going to dances and enjoying themselves, Betty was spending all of her time studying. She was not only going to go to Harvard, she was also going to become a doctor and she wasn’t allowing anything to stand in her way. Betty did have a few friends who she hung out with in school, but she was not considered popular. She longed to be able to fit in more with her peers, but felt that many of them were unintelligent. She found it increasingly difficult to form relationships with anyone. They just weren’t as smart as her and she couldn’t be forgiving. Besides, when she got to Harvard she would find more intelligent people like her.

Doug was in Betty’s class. He never really noticed Betty but Betty sure noticed Doug. It seemed that everywhere Doug went, he attracted a crowd. He was gregarious and friendly to everyone he met and oozed charm. Doug was an average student, but was able to talk his way out of just about any type of trouble. Doug was elected class president and was voted “Most Popular” by the senior class. Skip forward 20 years. Betty went to Harvard, went to medical school and began practicing medicine. She still has a difficult time with her emotions and relating to other people. She married for a short while but it ended in divorce. She has a daughter who she is grooming to go to Harvard.

Doug started his own business after high school and never even went to college. He is a successful entrepreneur with a happy marriage and a house full of kids. He still keeps in touch with his high school classmates and is organizing the reunion. Ironically, he and Betty live in the same neighborhood. Their paths don’t cross because Doug is still a social butterfly and Betty still chooses to remain aloof. Betty doesn’t even know the names of her next door neighbors. Doug has been voted the homeowner’s association president. Whose life seems more fulfilling? Most people would say that Doug’s life seems to be the ideal life. The reason that they say this is because Doug is popular with other people. Despite her education and IQ, Betty seems to appear on a lower social rung than Doug. We often elevate people who are highly educated to higher rungs on the social ladder. They begin to slip down a few steps if they lack basic social skills. Many people, like Betty, did not bother learning social skills. Betty achieved her dream of going to Harvard and medical school but she has few patients who really like her. This is mostly due to her lack of empathy for people and being able to connect.

Most entrepreneurs and politicians have excellent social skills. People do not have to be overly educated in order to be well liked and successful. The late President, Ronald Reagan, did not have the education of many of his colleagues in politics, but he was able to run rings around them when it came to charm. And it was his charm that made him one of the most successful presidents of the 20th century. We want to emulate Doug’s life because we are caring human beings. And human beings are social species who need social interactions to make them feel whole. Human beings are not content to be alone. This is why social skills are so important and why someone with stellar social skills will find that the sky is the limit as far as their goals and ambitions are concerned.


August 2017
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