Posts Tagged ‘emotions

Think of 10 things that you like about yourself and put them on post it notes. Put the notes in places around the house and bathroom so that you see them in the morning when you get up.  These will be your affirmations for the day. Repeat them to yourself on a daily basis.  Again, if you don’t believe in the good about yourself, you will not have much luck in convincing others about it. Start believing in yourself and give yourself positive self talk and eliminate the negative.  Each time you say something negative to yourself or about yourself, stop. This is not effectivecommunication.  Even when you are talking to yourself, you should communicate in aneffective and positive manner.   No longer use negative talk to yourself and watch the differencein your self confidence. You will also notice a difference in the way that others treat you.



Your beliefs and values are what make you a unique individual. They are based upon past experiences as well as present circumstances. Many of them were learned from parents as well as other respected individuals. While some people may have values and beliefs that are deemed to be “wrong” according to society, unless your values and beliefs cause harm to others, they cannot be considered wrong. There is no such thing as the right way to think. In order for you to be able to resolve your conflicts and grow as an individual, you must be able to understand your beliefs and values. Beliefs and values are those that you hold the most dear to your heart. While some beliefs and values may change from time to time, they remain your own. For example, when you are young, you may feel that your religion is very important to you. You may go to church often and pray daily.As you get older, you may start to hold different beliefs – you may even change your religion. This is not wrong or right, just an example of how your beliefs and values can change with time. Your beliefs are best defined as what you feel is right or wrong when it comes to certain situations. Being opposed to the death penalty would be considered a belief. Again, this type of belief is subject to change. There are plenty of people who may have been against the death penalty when they were young and have grown in favor of this type of punishment as they got older. Beliefs are anything that causes you to make a decision.Values are those attributes that you hold most dear about yourself and others. Some people place high values on their families – nothing will allow them to part from their family members. A person who values their family above everything else will be unlikely to take a promotion that will separate themselves from their family. A person who values career above everything may be more inclined to take such a position. Again, values are personal and none are right or wrong. As you get older, your values may change. A young person, without children or a spouse, may place a higher emphasis on their career than an older person with children.To discover your beliefs and values, take out a piece of paper and write down what you value the most in life. List 10 things that you would not want to do without and put them in order of importance. Then list 10 strong beliefs that you have. After you have made this list, think about what you would be willing to compromise on. Obviously, there will be some things that you will be unwilling to compromise on and others that have more flexibility. When you are embroiled in conflict, you will be aware of these values and beliefs, those which you can find a compromise and those where you will not bend.While we are taught that being flexible is good in life, it is not good to be too flexible.. You are allowed to have core beliefs and values and stick to them. This is what makes you a strong person. At the same time, you should be aware of the fact that not everyone will share your views when it comes to your beliefs and values. You may have a conflict with an individual whose views and beliefs are different than your own. In such cases, it may be difficult to resolve the conflict. 

One of the heaviest burdens that you can carry is a grudge. Carrying a grudge is destructive to your health as it causes undue stress. Most people who end up carrying a grudge will find that the anger that they have built up over the years takes a toll on not only their mental health, but their physical health as well.  One of the most emotionally competent things that you can do is to learn to forgive. If you cannot learn to forgive, there is no moving forward in your life. You will continue to live in the past and relive slights that took place years ago.  The past is gone.  There is nothing that you can do to get it back again.  If you hold on to the anger that you felt in the past, it is unhealthy for you. Forgive yourself and others and move on with your life. When you do this, you will achieve emotional competence.

In order to be emotionally competent, you need to be aware of the needs of others as well as yourself. Before you can use techniques to build greater awareness, ask yourself honestly if you are selfish or selfless. Selfish people are those who cannot consider the feelings of someone else. They can only think of their own feelings, like infants. They are usually called out for being selfish and may have trouble with all types of relationships – including personal and business relationships.  If you fall between the two opposites, you most likely have to build awareness about other people as well as yourself.

Emotions are often referred to as action feelings. They are how we react when something happens to disrupt our lives, either in a good way or a bad way. In some cases, people feel emotions even if not in a conflict with another person. Sometimes, just thinking about a conflict is enough to bring on a rush of emotions. Emotions are not always happy. They can run the full gamut from devastated to gleeful. It is important to realize that not everyone reacts in the same way to conflict. While one person may cry when presented with a conflict, another may remain silent. Another may shout. Everyone has a different way of dealing with their emotions. Some will keep everything hidden and
others will, as they say, let it all hang out.

Much has been said about not making decisions based on our emotions and this is true to some extent. However our emotions are our window to who we are and what we want  in this life.  Even our  values and beliefs are influenced by how we feel about  them–somewhere in all our decisions is an emotion. 

Often our anger is fueled by a lack of awareness of who we are and what we want. We therefore tend to make decisions that are not in our best interest and our unmet needs fuel our anger. I am advocating that we build a stronger emotional vocabulary so that we become better and differentiating what we feel and the meaning behind our feelings. Improve your emotional vocabulary will be a vital first step to improving your decision making.   

Carlos Todd, LPC, NCC, CAMF

President of the American Association of Anger Management Providers

Anger Management/Executive Coaching of Charlotte, North Carolina



Confronting the problems in our lives and living an authentic existence can be elusive for many. Some of us hate to confront the things that are enviably making us unhappy. We hear our emotions telling us that that we need to make changes in our job, marriage, health and life’s focus yet we ignore and AVOID these signals to our detriment.

All of us know intuitively what is good for us and what is not so good but for some it is just too hard to deal with the emotional upheaval that will result when we decide to make a change. However, no matter how we try to avoid change, our emotions signal the existence of problems through feelings of fear, anxiety, apprehension, frustration, exhaustion, depression and discomfort. Some fail to listen, and the result is a feeling of vulnerability and defensiveness.

This defensiveness creates hyper-vigilance. Such hyper-vigilance is like proverbially living with the hand on the gun. Any perceived attack by the outside world, whether it be from another driver, spouse, co-worker, pastor, friend, child, or the unsuspecting man on the street is viewed as an attack on the self and ANGER comes in to defend what beliefs and values we hold dear. This process all starts with avoidance, and while it is not the only way to explain anger, it is one of the ways that is associated with dreams being unfulfilled.
Carlos Todd, LPC, NCC, CAMF
President of the American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anger Management/Executive Coaching of Charlotte, North Carolina

June 2019
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